I'm Cut Off? No, YOU'RE Cut Off!

Hopefully, I'm not the only one here that has loved and lost. And by that, I mean: watched You're Cut Off and is now sad that the finale has come and gone. In all my reality television viewing, to this day I have never seen more bickering. Specifically, bickering over absolutely nothing. It was almost poetic to watch. Here's a pic of the ladies, in case you just have to know. After eight weeks in their house (yeah, right, I believe that) their loved ones had to decide if they'd changed enough to be allowed to come back home. Some of us at home were moved to tears (I stubbed my toe, don't judge). While certain blogs have actually taken the time to deconstruct each episode in their entirety, I wouldn't even know how to get screen grabs. My biggest concern throughout each episode was Leanne's extensions. I gave my Barbie better extensions by shaving Skipper's hair and gluing it to Barbie, so I know of where I speak. I can't believe that she actually paid somebody to do that to her head. I'm convinced it was all some sort of arty-James Franco-esque event, or maybe even a bet or a dare. Worst case, somebody paid her to have her hair look that bad on national television. Even Myammee's potential hair extension business had better looking extensions. She would dream of Ken Pave's extensions. It was a virtual train wreck. Now, onto the really good reality shows - Jersey Shore premiers tonight!

The Hills ... Redux

As promised, I watched the finale. Here goes!

So, life is difficult, and Kristin needs change. Specifically, she's going to move to Europe. As noted on The Soup, it's never specified where in Europe she's going, so it's all very believable. Maybe this face is indicating that the decision is overwhelming. Or, equally likely, she doesn't even believe her own acting. Riveting stuff.

In other news, both Stephanie and Lo suddenly have boyfriends. They are both getting very serious, so they're lives are changing. Also, they are happy about it. See the smiles?

Audrina is moving to "not Hollywood." Yeah, right. After dating Ryan Cabrera and being on the Hills for five years, she just needs to get out of the spotlight. It's all very believable. Besides, she can't go too far, or she'll be out of Justin Bobby range, and one of these days, he may be less douchey and really want a relationship (hahahahahaha).


Then, for a the SHOCKING end of the finale episode, Brody sees off Kristin as she's heading for her flight to Europe. Fantastic montage of prior Hills footage, including pre-plastic surgery Heidi and Stephen!!!! I knew they'd find a way to bring him back and bring a smile to my face. Oh, no, that was not the shock. Everyone was surprised to find that the scene was shot in a studio lot, as the hills behind Brody were pulled away for the reveal. Kristin jumped back out of the car, and America was left in a tailspin! Was it all a lie? What are we to believe? I can't believe that a reality show would be based on anything aside from 100% reality. Shenanigans! The saddest part? No more fodder for Joel McHale. I'll just have to strengthen my VH1 focus. Ochocinco, here I come!

The Hills ... Delay

I'm actually planning on a Hills finale recap post (for old time's sake) even though I had to stop watching regularly two seasons ago (the vapidness went beyond even my capacity). However, I stepped into a time capsule and may be watching a marathon of the first season of The Closer (2005) instead. I'm DVRing, so no worries peeps, but I have my priorities ... which just don't include Kristin Cavallari's life decisions. I AM, however, hoping she reunites with Stephen in the finale (and that Lauren shows up so they can fight about it). Fingers crossed!!

I'm Back, Bitches!

I know, you've missed me terribly in the last two years. I was busy drinking; deal with it. But now I have thoughts to express, and I like some of the people on Facebook too much to just throw my crap on there to bombard people if they haven't chosen to come find me. So anyway, following a short week with minimal work effort, I've found myself seriously drained and in no mood to hit the mean streets of Newport. Post-holiday weeks really are the worst! Hence, Tosh.0 in bed with some wine and a cuddly cat. That came out way more pathetic than it was intended.

Life update: I stopped watching The Hills, moved to Costa Mesa, drank beers with one of the dudes from The League, started twittering (tweeting?), and was told by my doctor that I should wear heels less and responsible loafers with arch support more. Also, I decided to check out Big Brother and officially gave up on The Real World. I think this all means that I'm growing up. And if growing up involves taking large amounts of cash to Las Vegas, I'm totally on board.

It's about damn time!

Sound familiar people? Don't think this isn't overpowering the Sex and the City movie and Indiana Jones sequel in the list of things I'm looking forward to the most.


I'm still hoping for a Shannen Doherty return.

Booooooring

This will be short because this episode was such a waste of tv time that I don't even want to recap. It barely even set anything up for the finale! In summary: Audrina is a sad third wheel, Justin Bobby has short hair but still looks like he doesn't shower, Lo and Lauren got a dog, and Audrina is not one of its mommies, Spiedi still vie for camera time, and um ... that's it. Oh yeah, Lo has great facial expressions and is obviously breaking up the Audrina/Lauren duo.

Where is your loyalty?

I've missed seeing Stephen Colletti on a regular basis. His short appearances on One Tree Hill and occasional picture in US Weekly because he used to date Hayden Panettiere (before she started dating Milo Ventimiglia, twelve years her senior [fun fact: he went to HS with my roommate]) just don't cut it. And now, onto the show!

• They make entirely too much money - this house is fabulous. I'm sorry, there's a guest house?!? And a sun room? I need to be an MTV reality star.
• Lo's shocked look when Lauren says Stephen is in town - Lo is totally the new Whitney with the expressions.
• Spencer's always at the coffeehouse because he's unemployed. And lame.
• Stephanie called out Spencer on family loyalty! This storyline is getting soooo old. Yes, you all hate each other and wish that nobody you knew would hang out with each other. Get over it already.
• Again, their house is ridonculous!
• Oooooh Audrina's face when Lauren questioned the Justin Bobby invite - classic. Combination embarrassed, mad, unsure, and, well, embarrassed.
  
• Brody brought a juicer. Intriguing. And his new girlfriend seems like a complete wet blanket (but hot, obviously).
• Stephanie is a liar - there is no way she actually thought that Heidi would be ok with her being at the housewarming party. But Heidi now sounds just like Spencer. It's eerie.
• Stephen made it - and he brought...rice cakes? What the hell is that present?
• I love that they always call Justin Bobby Audrina's ex. They are on more than they are off. And, look, haircut! I guess he needed it to get rid of all vestiges of lice.
• Why is Lauren wearing a ponytail at her party? It's not even a dressy ponytail. Sigh.
• Lauren looks really cute in that dress. The hair I'm a little less sure of. Braids are a tough look to pull off, and generally make me think of 8 year olds at ballet practice. I kind of like it on her, though.
• Clearly they are on the outs with Audrina - not even visiting her in the guest house? Ouch.
• Aw, poor LC - Stephen wants to keep it platonic and just friends. Crushed look on her face? Check. I think they should just have sex already and up the ante. I'm guessing they've barely kissed.
  
• Lo is wearing a UCLA shirt. Which is only weird because she went to UCSB for a while ... I'd say at least a season (I mean, year). Is she in school now? Does she have a job? Will we ever have these great looming questions answered?
  
• Here's the great thing about roommates. You get home from a date/non-date, and you get to chat with your roommie about it over ice cream out of the carton. That is precisely why I'm not jumping on the bandwagon to live alone. Eating ice cream out of the carton by yourself just seems a little sadder.
• Next week: A puppy, Audrina wants to move out already, Spencer gets kicked out, and Heidi in Vegas?
  

Dumpster diving

"Your good friend has just taken a piece of cake out of the garbage and eaten it. You will probably need this information when you check me into the Betty Crocker Clinic." - Miranda

Those of you who have know me since I first got myspace should know that a) whenever I take a SATC quiz, I'm Miranda and b) this quote was on my page for a while. I was reminded of this particular episode when I found this gem on Jezebel today. And I had the unfortunate reminder that I've tossed food away, only to later change my mind. And by change my mind, I mean stand over the trash can wondering if my tasty treat had touched anything that I should be worried about and whether there was anything in the house that would satisfy whatever weird craving I was having that was making me stare wistfully into my trash, or near it (sometimes if I can't decide if I'm done with something I place it near the trash). Usually, I'll decide that I can't throw away perfectly good food - after all, there are starving children in Africa/India/China/the south. Luckily, this is something I haven't done in a while (mainly because I stopped throwing food away, not because I let it stay in the garbage).

After this piece I started linking around to other, related, Jezebel posts. First, we discuss dumb things that people do to lose weight. This all came about from a Glamour article on "scary celeb diet secrets" where my personal favorite was "stay locked in the gym....and then LIE about it." Perhaps I just don't identify with this one. If I'm going to the gym, I'm bragging about it, not hiding it. But then again, I'm not a celeb with 24 hours in the day to do nothing but workout, Biggest Loser style. Having just watched my roommate go through the Master Cleanse (or part of it, anyway), I can join the Jezebel writers in mocking all of these silly weight loss methods (I hear eating less and exercising work wonders!). Oh, and the "not eating" option cracks me up because I have no clue how people do that. I love food. A lot. Plus, I have no willpower and I have issues with self-indulgence.

Moving on to Alli, the new weight loss pill that is supposed to work wonders. Having done my due diligence here, I found the side effects of this miracle drug:
"Treatment effects are bowel changes that are most commonly caused by eating meals with too much fat while using alli capsules. Such effects may include oily spotting, loose stools, and more frequent stools that may be hard to control.

alli works by blocking the absorption of a quarter of the fat in the foods you eat. This undigested fat passes through the body naturally, and it is not harmful. In fact, you may recognize it in the toilet as something that looks like the oil on top of a pizza."

Sorry about that; hope you didn't just eat. But wait, I researched more! Or rather, I let Jezebel do the researching for me. Basically, my theory that this pill is basically an oral enema was confirmed, and I was thoroughly disgusted. I'm a busy girl, and don't have hours to be hanging out in the bathroom. Especially at work, where I have co-workers. Lots of them. Also, my theory that with nothing in your system, you'll be constantly hungry. And as Jezebel says, "And if you could temper your cravings for food, would you be abusing laxatives in the first place?" Good point.

Also, what if you have no control over how your body decides to, uh, expel your waste? EW. Apparently, Tyra Banks may or may not have some type of laxative addiction. If you're carrying out spare clothes just in case you have an "accident" at fashion week, you might be taking too many laxatives. It's like the opposite of Elvis' problem where all of his pills (amphetamines and barbiturates if memory serves) caused him to literally be full of shit. Two hospitalized colon blockages in 1975? Gross.

Moral of the story: eat normal food, leave stuff you've already tossed in your garbage can, and get some exercise. Also, avoid laxatives unless you have a private bathroom.

What did they do to Tina?

I adore Tina Fey; I'll start out with that. She was the only funny person on SNL for a while, she wrote and appeared in one of my favorite Lindsay Lohan vehicles (Mean Girls, in case you don't actually know me), and she is all over 30 Rock. If you haven't seen 30 Rock because you actually live under one, get ready to live. That said, I'm planning on seeing Baby Mama even though it looks kind of lame. I really think Tina Fey can do no wrong. Except for letting Marie Claire do this to her. Luckily, Jezebel made the post fun for me (click on the picture to enlarge because the lettering is minuscule).
Now I'll comment on the comments. The first and best: "those damn Belenciaga gladiator sandals and more ways to look like you're at Burning Man." Gladiator sandals aren't flattering. On anyone. I had this argument the other day, and I'm pretty sure I won. Get some strappy sandals or heels and be done with it. Save the gladiator sandals for the uglies over at American Gladiator. Next: "quitting = the new black." And I thought we were limited to the color wheel. My bad. And finally: "the [boring] hair issue ... 38 pages of L'Oreal ads. If it weren't just so true, I wouldn't have shot diet pepsi out of my nose laughing so hard.

p.s. Tina needs a new photographer or stylist or retoucher for her next cover shoot. Maybe all three.

Cleavage kissing

So we've all seen these great promotional pictures for Gossip Girl, and maybe thought they were a little risque for a teen show (well, not me, but it went around the net a bit). Apparently, some parents out there are upset about the picture because it uses "cleavage kissing ... to hype [a] kids' show." I bet these are the same parents that think abstinence only sex ed is the way to go. I've heard such good things about that, so I'm sure they're onto something.

My favorite thing about this is that the detractors of the advertising keep insisting that Gossip Girl is a kids' show. Yes, it's on at 8:00 p.m. (poor choice, CW), but it is clearly not for kids. Any decent parent would know that - sex, drugs, lying, and thieving are not exactly Sponge Bob Square Pants themes. Kids should be watching Disney and Nickelodeon, and looking up to Miley Cyrus as a role model (ummmm nevermind on that one). But seriously, parents knew that Beverly Hills, 90210 had adult themes. Yes, at 12 I was allowed to watch it (because my dad had no clue about what I watched, aside from assuming it was trash), but I knew enough to know the themes were adult. I knew the show wasn't really directed at me.

And not to sound like the lamest person, but One Tree Hill has sex, drugs, teen marriage, teen pregnancy, fratricide, gambling addiction, school shootings and more and no one calls that out for being too adult for it's "kid" audience. Again - parents should be exerting a little more control over the remote. I hear they have programs to block channels - imagine! [stepping off of soapbox now]

Justin Bobby's prodigal return

Ready for my take on this week's installment of the Hills? Here we go!

• Lo's hair looks fabulous! I love the purty curls. She usually does nothing with it, so I give the change two huge thumbs up.
• I love the way Lo says words: cotton with the "t"s majorly emphasized. It's adorable.
• Heidi wants to have a Girls' Night. Wasn't that last week? "Old water under the bridge?" Clever, Heidi.
• Oh no! They've spotted each other! And there's a Justin Bobby sighting! Where to focus attention?!?
• What is up with She-Spencer's hair? Mine looks better than that at 5 am in Vegas, and I'm not trying to make it look fabulous for tv. Poor girl.
• And...Justin Bobby crashes the table. I wonder if he showered...
• This reminds me of tonight's How I Met Your Mother when Robin ran into Dawson and was blind to his douchebaggery (double credit to Julie and RJ). Justin Bobby's so skeevy! And she's still staring at him all googly-eyed. I just don't get it at all. I wonder if he has a job...
  
• Lauren is not pleased that Audrina and Justin Bobby are hanging out again. Or that Audrina and Heidi are hanging out again. Poor Lauren.
  
• 
• Favorite line of the night, as said by Spencer Pratt (while Heidi whines about Lauren being cold to her): "I can't believe you would go to a club where she was even there"
• Dumbass Spencer. He's rude to Heidi, refuses to listen (although yes, her stories are gay), then follows up with: "You look great!"
• Clearly Lo and Lauren do not want Audrina in their new house. Those sideways glances are a classy move (and one I've been known to do as well). Looks like we have a good set up for the next season! p.s. Lauren: that knit hat is disgusting. I never want to see it again.
  
• The end (Verdict: pretty weak episode)
• Wait for it - Stephen's back!! And I was just watching him on OTH, and thinking he should return. Thank you, MTV, for reading my mind.
  

O.M.F.G.

Clearly I stole this picture from a site that stole it from New York Magazine, and I'm not smart enough to not give them the credit/blurb on the bottom. I have no plans to post with any regularity on my fave addiction, but with the premiere episode tonight I think I can make an exception. First of all - this article made it all over the blogosphere (I just barfed typing that, I apologize), and apparently tweens everywhere have been catching up on the series and gearing up for tonight's episode. I'm posting because of the last five minutes of the show. Jenny showing up with Nate at Butter - golden. I really thought Blair had won back her title right up until then. Such great bitchiness to come! It's Kelly and Brenda, 2.0 and I'm fully on the bandwagon.

Out with the old, in with the new

Jesse Metcalf... the first picture is from his young and innocent days back as the slutty gardener on Desperate Housewives. The second is from a recent photo shoot, where Jesse has decided to put on his big boy panties and throw on some dark sunglasses with his newly tattooed body with the hairy chest. Intriguing, no? While I'm not wholly convinced here, I think it's an improvement. That overly waxed look he had going was entirely too gay/Olympic swimmer for me. Verdict: I'd do him.

Oh Jim. How I heart you

Apparently I lied when I said I wouldn't be posting videos. This just reminded me of why I fell in lurve with Jim Halpert back in the day (which was a Wednesday, btw). While some of his expressions can be a little over the top, there is just such a convincing combination of shock, awe, amusement, bemusement, and cringing for me to smile whenever Jim is on camera. I'd so pick him over Roy.

A Cinderella Story

I'm currently watching Pretty Woman on TBS (they always know what I want to watch, I swear they're mind readers), and it got me to thinking. When I was a kid, I used to want to be Vivian (Julia Roberts' character, in case you haven't seen it in a while). Like, we used to compete over who was allowed to name their Barbie Vivian, until one of us got a red-headed Barbie and got to keep the bragging rights forever. I know - great story. If you have time, I'll tell it again. Irregardless, Gary Marshall did something magical with this movie. He was able to convince millions of young girls (I know I wasn't alone in this) that even if they actually became a hooker in Hollywood with cracked out friends, a rich and successful man (with a midgety, boorish friend), would come and rescue them, literally on a white horse. Plus, I wanted the clothes. The dress she wears to watch the polo match I'd still buy and wear in a heartbeat. With the hat, natch.
Sorry, I couldn't quickly find a full length picture that had the dress, as I'm lazy and didn't look very hard. But this should trigger a memory of the dress and it's fabulosity. Oh, I also love this movie because it reminds me of how fuckable Richard Gere is, despite the whole gerbil rumor. He was a hottie back in the day! (ok, ok, I'd still do him) Also, I think it might have introduced the idea that if you aren't being kissed (on the mouth) during sex, your partner might be thinking that you are a prostitute. Ok, well probably not literally. Is it universally true that prostitutes refuse to kiss on the mouth? My limited experience in the field (i.e., watching Pretty Woman) says yes, but I'm guessing that's probably not true. And on the other end of the spectrum, I've had sex without kissing, and I know I'm not a prostitute. So there!

Point is, I pretty much cannot come across this movie on tv without watching it all the way through. Just like Clueless, and a few others.

Veronica Mars

Although I do love a funny video, I really don't plan on posting too many of them (I think my faithful reader is unable to watch my videos at work, which takes so much of the fun out). However, this video is an excuse for me to talk about Kristen Bell for a while, and I've been awaiting such an opportunity. If you aren't familiar with Kristen, then I haven't done my part. I've been willing to go a little gay for her for years now, since I first discovered her on Veronica Mars. Now for my Veronica pitch (because I want everyone to buy it on DVD now) with bullet reasons of why you should be watching:

• The IMDB show description is: "After her best friend is murdered and her father is removed as county sheriff, Veronica Mars dedicates her life to cracking the toughest mysteries in the affluent town of Neptune." Ok, I know that sounds like some horrible show on Nickelodeon for tweens. It's not.
• Veronica is smart, sassy, has a great relationship with her dad, takes crap from nobody, and looks fabulous while doing it.
• She dates Logan Echolls, whose dad is a famous movie star (Harry Hamlin), mom is the wife of a movie star (Lisa Rinna), and sister is a wanna be actress (Allyson Hannigan).
• Charisma Carpenter (of Buffy fame) joins in the second season and is constantly in a bikini.
• She may be midgety (technically, she's 5'1"), but she's so spunky!
• The writing on this show is very smart and quick, and it's probably the second-most-quoted show on my Myspace.
  
• There's an episode where she karaokes to Blondie's "One Way Or Another" (she's getting to the bottom of her high school's secret society similar to Yale's Skull & Bones)
• The soundtrack f-ing rocks. I swear.
• Kristen's great on Heroes, which means she must have been great on Veronica Mars.

Ok, I'll stop with my Veronica Mars lovefest. I just miss it.

I bought a black apartment

This might be one of my favorite scenes from 30 Rock. While I am never one to drunk dial (I'm being serious people! I really don't), I've seen enough of my friends succumb to the temptation of the phone when combined with an unfortunate amount of alcohol. My only issue is how long it takes Liz Lemon to get through her two bottles of wine. I'd finish those off while composing my thoughts for the first phone call! As a disclaimer, I will say that most of the people I know can't down two bottles of wine by themselves. It either makes me mega cool ... or an alcoholic. I'll keep you posted. Besides, am I the only one who has moved on to the new drunk dialing - drunk texting?

Cake Day

A few things about this clip, and the idea of Hillary/Obama/Edwards on Stephen Colbert on Thursday night (yes, I know I'm a few days late - I've been busy drinking!).

• Hillary needs to stop trying to be personable and funny. She's not, and that's fine because she comes with Bill, who clearly is. I hear he never forgets a name. Like, 10 years later. Amazing.
• Obama's funny. And, yes, manufactured political distractions SHOULD be placed on notice.
• Why is Edwards out of the race? I keep forgetting because I love him so much! He's very smart, pretty cute (if you ignore the almost-Donald-Trump hair), smiles with his eyes, he's a lawyer (yea us!!), he's got an accent, and a pretty great sense of humor. It's about time we had a president that I could laugh with, and not at. Right?
  
• Why did I stop tivoing the Colbert Report? Time to throw it back in the rotation, especially now that it's election season. How am I going to form my political opinions if Colbert (oh, and Jon Stewart) don't tell me what to think?
• Word of the day: truthiness.