The internetz

I will fully admit it: I am technologically challenged. I was the last to join Myspace and Facebook, I don't know anything about HTML code (except how to create paragraphs on Myspace), I'm incapable of figuring out why my laptop won't show YouTube videos anymore, and I'm not even sure I could steal music online if I wanted to (I have an irrational fear of being arrested and fined hundreds of thousands of dollars for downloading Britney Spears, so I kind of refuse to try). Recently, I've made strides in this arena. I started a blog (obvs), I set up Google Reader so
that I can organize all the sites I go to, I learned how to make screencaps, and I've heard of Twitter. I was happy with my little situation, when I learned that apparently we are now using a version of the web called 2.0, and version 3.0 is in the works. What the hell does that mean? It can't be like when you get a message asking you to download version 13.4 of AIM and suddenly you have the capability of combining all IM conversations into one window.

"[T]he Web 3.0 browser will act like a personal assistant. As you search the Web, the browser learns what you are interested in. The more you use the Web, the more your browser learns about you and the less specific you'll need to be with your questions. Eventually you might be able to ask your browser open questions like 'where should I go for lunch?' Your browser would consult its records of what you like and dislike, take into account your current location and then suggest a list of restaurants."

"Some Internet experts believe the next generation of the Web — Web 3.0 — will make tasks like your search for movies and food faster and easier. Instead of multiple searches, you might type a complex sentence or two in your Web 3.0 browser, and the Web will do the rest. In our example, you could type "I want to see a funny movie and then eat at a good Mexican restaurant. What are my options?" The Web 3.0 browser will analyze your response, search the Internet for all possible answers, and then organize the results for you."

I can't be the only person freaked out by this. Yes, in theory, it sounds cool and smart. But in reality - it kind of feels like something out of a sci-fi movie. Like, my computer could become smarter than me and try to kill me. I can figure out my own movies and Mexican restaurants (using yahoo and yelp, of course) with my computer only doing some minor assisting. Last time a computer tried to predict my interests, I ended up with my Tivo recording golf tournaments, Baseball Tonight, and some Spanish soap opera (I know like four words of Spanish). Stupid technology.

Those crazy Brits

Yes, we are all familiar with Facebook. I hear all the kids are into it these days. Unfortunately, I can safely say that over half of my friends don't even have accounts (and thus I can't follow their doings). I found this great video on the web and felt the need to share (it's only like 30 seconds, don't worry).

Dumpster diving

"Your good friend has just taken a piece of cake out of the garbage and eaten it. You will probably need this information when you check me into the Betty Crocker Clinic." - Miranda

Those of you who have know me since I first got myspace should know that a) whenever I take a SATC quiz, I'm Miranda and b) this quote was on my page for a while. I was reminded of this particular episode when I found this gem on Jezebel today. And I had the unfortunate reminder that I've tossed food away, only to later change my mind. And by change my mind, I mean stand over the trash can wondering if my tasty treat had touched anything that I should be worried about and whether there was anything in the house that would satisfy whatever weird craving I was having that was making me stare wistfully into my trash, or near it (sometimes if I can't decide if I'm done with something I place it near the trash). Usually, I'll decide that I can't throw away perfectly good food - after all, there are starving children in Africa/India/China/the south. Luckily, this is something I haven't done in a while (mainly because I stopped throwing food away, not because I let it stay in the garbage).

After this piece I started linking around to other, related, Jezebel posts. First, we discuss dumb things that people do to lose weight. This all came about from a Glamour article on "scary celeb diet secrets" where my personal favorite was "stay locked in the gym....and then LIE about it." Perhaps I just don't identify with this one. If I'm going to the gym, I'm bragging about it, not hiding it. But then again, I'm not a celeb with 24 hours in the day to do nothing but workout, Biggest Loser style. Having just watched my roommate go through the Master Cleanse (or part of it, anyway), I can join the Jezebel writers in mocking all of these silly weight loss methods (I hear eating less and exercising work wonders!). Oh, and the "not eating" option cracks me up because I have no clue how people do that. I love food. A lot. Plus, I have no willpower and I have issues with self-indulgence.

Moving on to Alli, the new weight loss pill that is supposed to work wonders. Having done my due diligence here, I found the side effects of this miracle drug:
"Treatment effects are bowel changes that are most commonly caused by eating meals with too much fat while using alli capsules. Such effects may include oily spotting, loose stools, and more frequent stools that may be hard to control.

alli works by blocking the absorption of a quarter of the fat in the foods you eat. This undigested fat passes through the body naturally, and it is not harmful. In fact, you may recognize it in the toilet as something that looks like the oil on top of a pizza."

Sorry about that; hope you didn't just eat. But wait, I researched more! Or rather, I let Jezebel do the researching for me. Basically, my theory that this pill is basically an oral enema was confirmed, and I was thoroughly disgusted. I'm a busy girl, and don't have hours to be hanging out in the bathroom. Especially at work, where I have co-workers. Lots of them. Also, my theory that with nothing in your system, you'll be constantly hungry. And as Jezebel says, "And if you could temper your cravings for food, would you be abusing laxatives in the first place?" Good point.

Also, what if you have no control over how your body decides to, uh, expel your waste? EW. Apparently, Tyra Banks may or may not have some type of laxative addiction. If you're carrying out spare clothes just in case you have an "accident" at fashion week, you might be taking too many laxatives. It's like the opposite of Elvis' problem where all of his pills (amphetamines and barbiturates if memory serves) caused him to literally be full of shit. Two hospitalized colon blockages in 1975? Gross.

Moral of the story: eat normal food, leave stuff you've already tossed in your garbage can, and get some exercise. Also, avoid laxatives unless you have a private bathroom.

Veronica Mars

Although I do love a funny video, I really don't plan on posting too many of them (I think my faithful reader is unable to watch my videos at work, which takes so much of the fun out). However, this video is an excuse for me to talk about Kristen Bell for a while, and I've been awaiting such an opportunity. If you aren't familiar with Kristen, then I haven't done my part. I've been willing to go a little gay for her for years now, since I first discovered her on Veronica Mars. Now for my Veronica pitch (because I want everyone to buy it on DVD now) with bullet reasons of why you should be watching:

• The IMDB show description is: "After her best friend is murdered and her father is removed as county sheriff, Veronica Mars dedicates her life to cracking the toughest mysteries in the affluent town of Neptune." Ok, I know that sounds like some horrible show on Nickelodeon for tweens. It's not.
• Veronica is smart, sassy, has a great relationship with her dad, takes crap from nobody, and looks fabulous while doing it.
• She dates Logan Echolls, whose dad is a famous movie star (Harry Hamlin), mom is the wife of a movie star (Lisa Rinna), and sister is a wanna be actress (Allyson Hannigan).
• Charisma Carpenter (of Buffy fame) joins in the second season and is constantly in a bikini.
• She may be midgety (technically, she's 5'1"), but she's so spunky!
• The writing on this show is very smart and quick, and it's probably the second-most-quoted show on my Myspace.
  
• There's an episode where she karaokes to Blondie's "One Way Or Another" (she's getting to the bottom of her high school's secret society similar to Yale's Skull & Bones)
• The soundtrack f-ing rocks. I swear.
• Kristen's great on Heroes, which means she must have been great on Veronica Mars.

Ok, I'll stop with my Veronica Mars lovefest. I just miss it.

Here goes nothing

So. In an attempt to keep myself from filling out Myspace surveys on a daily basis, I decided that maybe I should put my skills to use elsewhere. And hey, everyone's blogging - I can too! So far, this is all more daunting than I really expected. For starters, I'm kind of computer illiterate. I mean, I have a Myspace profile, and it even has pictures and surveys on it, and a colored background...once I even managed to post a glittery item on another page. Beyond that - it's like I'm stuck back in 1998 and everyone's discovering ICQ and I'm only mastering AIM on AOL (and proud of it, mind you!).

From what little thought I've put into this blog thus far, I think I'll spend most of my time writing about random things that happen to me, how much I hate people and things that happen near me, items I stumble across online, and maybe things I would buy if I had money. At some point, you, my faithful reader(s?) will "discover" that I am mean, shallow, judgmental, impatient, and possibly hateful. But, in case I haven't told you yet, I already know I'm going to hell. I figure there's a special place/level just for me, and I've got my handbasket all picked out. I'm even decorating it. I'm thinking cashmere on the inside, and a hand-knit cozy on the outside. Any thoughts on a color scheme?