Today, In News That Shocks No One

Today, my fave lady-blog decided to do a behind-the-scenes take on science and dating. Well, not really. But, because it's the holidays and everywhere I go seems to be devoid of people (thus enhancing my boredom and lack of desire to do anything productive), I took thishandy little quiz to discover my "attachment style." Apparently, this should help me realize which types of people I should be having relationships with and which ones I shouldn't, and something else about communicating and its importance in relationships. Cutting edge stuff, guys.

I was shocked and dismayed, dear reader, to discover the following: I fall into the "dismissive" quadrant, which somehow involves a combination of low anxiety and high avoidance [NB: I was neither shocked nor dismayed. These are qualities I have known about myself since the age of 10 that are in no immediate danger of changing]. This is defined as follows (if we've ever met, prepare to be wowed):

"[D]ismissing people tend to prefer their own autonomy -- oftentimes at the expense of their close relationships. Although dismissing people have high self-confidence, they sometimes come across as hostile or competitive by others, and this often interferes with their close relationships."

Yes, I did have to answer roughly fifteen questions on a sliding scale of agreement! I only did it because at the end of the quiz, they put your response on a graph, and it kinda reminded me of 9th grade algebra with its x-axis and y-axis.

I'll try to keep this in mind for the new year.

Dangers of one night stands

I know you're thinking: damn it, she's about to lecture about STDs (or STIs or VD or whatever the hell we're calling them these days [note: I only ever speak of gonorrhea - because it's funny]) or pregnancy, but no worries! The latest thing that should be going through your mind if you're eying that certain hottie at the bar: if I don't call her after this night, will she show up somewhere and sear me with a branding iron??

Some crazy bitch in New York enlisted the help of her now-boyfriend to lure some poor one night stand from years earlier to a hotel room, then proceeded to brand the guy with a 24 inch high "R" (no one knows what the "R" stands for - it's not obvious like the "A" in Scarlet Letter). She was just sentenced to five years, as was the now boyfriend.

NYC Woman Gets 5 Years for Branding Ex-Lover
Dude Doesn't Call Woman Back, Woman Decides to Brand Him

Maybe it's the cheese

I present: more reasons to live in California. As if it wasn't clear enough already, there's evidence. In the form of charts! I heart charts.
I think it might have something to do with the weather. Experiences are great (even if you aren't a hippie).

To jump or not to jump

Washington DC is concerned that its citizens are getting a little jump happy while waiting for the train. Prompting the question: do you feel more suicidal during the morning commute or evening? You're either dreading another hellish day ahead of you, or you just left your incredibly mundane and suicide-inducing day. My issues: a) I like my job and b) jumping onto train tracks does NOT sound like a fun way to go. Just my two cents.

Anyway, to keep its citizenry on the platforms and away from the arriving trains, DC signs have games that you can play to keep you occupied. And by "games" I mean hopscotch and I-Spy. The very same games you enjoyed as a small child when your days were filled with happiness and wonder! Don't forget the logo: "Life is fun. Keep on living. Use caution around the tracks." Uh huh.

He may be a douchebag...

But his video is hysterical. Plus there's a Kristen Bell cameo (and everyone knows how much I love her).

The internetz

I will fully admit it: I am technologically challenged. I was the last to join Myspace and Facebook, I don't know anything about HTML code (except how to create paragraphs on Myspace), I'm incapable of figuring out why my laptop won't show YouTube videos anymore, and I'm not even sure I could steal music online if I wanted to (I have an irrational fear of being arrested and fined hundreds of thousands of dollars for downloading Britney Spears, so I kind of refuse to try). Recently, I've made strides in this arena. I started a blog (obvs), I set up Google Reader so
that I can organize all the sites I go to, I learned how to make screencaps, and I've heard of Twitter. I was happy with my little situation, when I learned that apparently we are now using a version of the web called 2.0, and version 3.0 is in the works. What the hell does that mean? It can't be like when you get a message asking you to download version 13.4 of AIM and suddenly you have the capability of combining all IM conversations into one window.

"[T]he Web 3.0 browser will act like a personal assistant. As you search the Web, the browser learns what you are interested in. The more you use the Web, the more your browser learns about you and the less specific you'll need to be with your questions. Eventually you might be able to ask your browser open questions like 'where should I go for lunch?' Your browser would consult its records of what you like and dislike, take into account your current location and then suggest a list of restaurants."

"Some Internet experts believe the next generation of the Web — Web 3.0 — will make tasks like your search for movies and food faster and easier. Instead of multiple searches, you might type a complex sentence or two in your Web 3.0 browser, and the Web will do the rest. In our example, you could type "I want to see a funny movie and then eat at a good Mexican restaurant. What are my options?" The Web 3.0 browser will analyze your response, search the Internet for all possible answers, and then organize the results for you."

I can't be the only person freaked out by this. Yes, in theory, it sounds cool and smart. But in reality - it kind of feels like something out of a sci-fi movie. Like, my computer could become smarter than me and try to kill me. I can figure out my own movies and Mexican restaurants (using yahoo and yelp, of course) with my computer only doing some minor assisting. Last time a computer tried to predict my interests, I ended up with my Tivo recording golf tournaments, Baseball Tonight, and some Spanish soap opera (I know like four words of Spanish). Stupid technology.

Feminine Hygeine

Read further at your own risk; this is about to be girly and gross. I found this horrific article the other day, and after being completely repulsed, I had a whole thought process involving tampons. Then tampons versus pads, and why one would choose one over the other. Then the vague fear of toxic shock syndrome, which I still think might be fake. I'd write more on this subject, but I think I would just freak myself out (and my reader) and that's just unnecessary. Read the article, if you aren't squeamish, and then just think about it. Being a girl sucks.

Cat people

So some people have cats. I really have no feelings on cats one way or the other, as long as they don't hate me. But I get why people love them, own them, etc. However, it's one thing to own a cat, and love your cat, and an entirely other thing to get your cat an attachable desk tray so that they can be near you and not on your laptop. That's "scary cat lady with hundreds of cats found eating her body weeks after her death" weird.

FYI - dogs don't want to sit on your laptop. They are fine just being near you, not annoying you. However, dogs also have weird and annoying owners with websites devoted to cute pet pictures of the day. People: start reading blogs instead.

Those crazy Brits

Yes, we are all familiar with Facebook. I hear all the kids are into it these days. Unfortunately, I can safely say that over half of my friends don't even have accounts (and thus I can't follow their doings). I found this great video on the web and felt the need to share (it's only like 30 seconds, don't worry).

Dumpster diving

"Your good friend has just taken a piece of cake out of the garbage and eaten it. You will probably need this information when you check me into the Betty Crocker Clinic." - Miranda

Those of you who have know me since I first got myspace should know that a) whenever I take a SATC quiz, I'm Miranda and b) this quote was on my page for a while. I was reminded of this particular episode when I found this gem on Jezebel today. And I had the unfortunate reminder that I've tossed food away, only to later change my mind. And by change my mind, I mean stand over the trash can wondering if my tasty treat had touched anything that I should be worried about and whether there was anything in the house that would satisfy whatever weird craving I was having that was making me stare wistfully into my trash, or near it (sometimes if I can't decide if I'm done with something I place it near the trash). Usually, I'll decide that I can't throw away perfectly good food - after all, there are starving children in Africa/India/China/the south. Luckily, this is something I haven't done in a while (mainly because I stopped throwing food away, not because I let it stay in the garbage).

After this piece I started linking around to other, related, Jezebel posts. First, we discuss dumb things that people do to lose weight. This all came about from a Glamour article on "scary celeb diet secrets" where my personal favorite was "stay locked in the gym....and then LIE about it." Perhaps I just don't identify with this one. If I'm going to the gym, I'm bragging about it, not hiding it. But then again, I'm not a celeb with 24 hours in the day to do nothing but workout, Biggest Loser style. Having just watched my roommate go through the Master Cleanse (or part of it, anyway), I can join the Jezebel writers in mocking all of these silly weight loss methods (I hear eating less and exercising work wonders!). Oh, and the "not eating" option cracks me up because I have no clue how people do that. I love food. A lot. Plus, I have no willpower and I have issues with self-indulgence.

Moving on to Alli, the new weight loss pill that is supposed to work wonders. Having done my due diligence here, I found the side effects of this miracle drug:
"Treatment effects are bowel changes that are most commonly caused by eating meals with too much fat while using alli capsules. Such effects may include oily spotting, loose stools, and more frequent stools that may be hard to control.

alli works by blocking the absorption of a quarter of the fat in the foods you eat. This undigested fat passes through the body naturally, and it is not harmful. In fact, you may recognize it in the toilet as something that looks like the oil on top of a pizza."

Sorry about that; hope you didn't just eat. But wait, I researched more! Or rather, I let Jezebel do the researching for me. Basically, my theory that this pill is basically an oral enema was confirmed, and I was thoroughly disgusted. I'm a busy girl, and don't have hours to be hanging out in the bathroom. Especially at work, where I have co-workers. Lots of them. Also, my theory that with nothing in your system, you'll be constantly hungry. And as Jezebel says, "And if you could temper your cravings for food, would you be abusing laxatives in the first place?" Good point.

Also, what if you have no control over how your body decides to, uh, expel your waste? EW. Apparently, Tyra Banks may or may not have some type of laxative addiction. If you're carrying out spare clothes just in case you have an "accident" at fashion week, you might be taking too many laxatives. It's like the opposite of Elvis' problem where all of his pills (amphetamines and barbiturates if memory serves) caused him to literally be full of shit. Two hospitalized colon blockages in 1975? Gross.

Moral of the story: eat normal food, leave stuff you've already tossed in your garbage can, and get some exercise. Also, avoid laxatives unless you have a private bathroom.

Girls gone bitchy

I just heard that at a Catholic school in Brisbane, Australia, junior girls started what they call the "21 Club." Apparently you are ranked based on who is skinniest and prettiest, and thus fatties and the fugly are not included. Oh, the ranking is somehow worn on your wrist (bracelet, maybe?). Wasn't high school hard enough without the "hottest" girls essentially telling everyone that they were the hottest? Or, we could move on to my issue with this club: 21 girls! All in agreement, and in the same clique? That definitely doesn't sound like my high school.

I wonder how evil they are, or if they're just skinny and pretty. So many questions for those crazy Australians.

Because going to the doc now is so much fun

As China will be hosting the Olympics, the Chinese have decided to make the country a little easier to understand. By that, I mean lots of official signage will be translated from Chinese into English. I'm guessing we'll be getting stories like this for a while, confirming that Chinese and English are not similar languages, and that there are too many subtleties to make for quick and easy translations. Verdict: go see your OB/GYN before you leave our country, and don't wait for your arrival in China.

Eating organic

There are so many reasons to love Whole Foods. The first and most obvious reason - I'm white. Like, super white. But when you go inside, it is a mecca of all things fabulous, and I always want to raid the store. If there was a riot and people were looting - I'd loot Whole Foods because I can't really afford to shop there regularly. That's how much I love it.

The second reason to love Whole Foods? They love us so much that their checkers don't use cell phones on the job. Whole Foods 1, Safeway 0.
I'm guessing that means they might pay more than minimum wage. I'll have to do some research about that. For now, I think they're also beating out Trader Joe's, if only because they are three times larger. I like options with my organic produce.

Now, instead of only raving about Whole Foods, I'll move on to organic food in general, because I found a funny article. Apparently, white people love eating organic so much that they are starting pricey private schools that feature environmentally friendly products and organic foods. Now, I recycle as much as the next girl (thank you, city of Irvine, for going through my trash for me), but this seems a little bit ridiculous. I think that maybe elementary schools shouldn't have vending machines for soda and Snickers, but I'm sure I wasn't harmed by those funky rectangle pizzas and chicken nuggets. Plus, I wouldn't have gotten through high school without that coffee vending machine in the main building. Some people enjoy processed food!

Verdict: $13,000.00 a year is too much to spend to ensure your kids eat organic daily.

Rice famine?

Apparently there is some huge rice crisis, and America is about to have to do without. Wait, what? Isn't rice, like, everywhere? With all those rice paddies over in Asia (I remember the photographs from my history textbooks) and in the old timey south (rice, cotton and tobacco were the major Southern exports in the Antebellum South) you'd think rice would be around forever. This can't be like Ireland with the potato famine because we aren't some miniature island lacking the ability to grow crops in the freaking 1800s.

But, apparently, this is. According to Reuters, Sam's Club is now limiting the sale of Jasmine, Basmati, and long grain white rice. I know that Jasmine and Basmati and fancier (and served at my favorite Indian restaurants - shout out to the Tandoori Oven in Campbell!!!), but long grain white? Is Uncle Ben's long grain white? I mean, those orange bags take up almost an entire aisle at your friendly neighborhood grocery, and are a staple in many cultures' diets.

The big question: how is this tied to rising gas prices? Because I say it has to be.

Also, talking about rice reminds me of other good things:

What did they do to Tina?

I adore Tina Fey; I'll start out with that. She was the only funny person on SNL for a while, she wrote and appeared in one of my favorite Lindsay Lohan vehicles (Mean Girls, in case you don't actually know me), and she is all over 30 Rock. If you haven't seen 30 Rock because you actually live under one, get ready to live. That said, I'm planning on seeing Baby Mama even though it looks kind of lame. I really think Tina Fey can do no wrong. Except for letting Marie Claire do this to her. Luckily, Jezebel made the post fun for me (click on the picture to enlarge because the lettering is minuscule).
Now I'll comment on the comments. The first and best: "those damn Belenciaga gladiator sandals and more ways to look like you're at Burning Man." Gladiator sandals aren't flattering. On anyone. I had this argument the other day, and I'm pretty sure I won. Get some strappy sandals or heels and be done with it. Save the gladiator sandals for the uglies over at American Gladiator. Next: "quitting = the new black." And I thought we were limited to the color wheel. My bad. And finally: "the [boring] hair issue ... 38 pages of L'Oreal ads. If it weren't just so true, I wouldn't have shot diet pepsi out of my nose laughing so hard.

p.s. Tina needs a new photographer or stylist or retoucher for her next cover shoot. Maybe all three.

Why the terrorists hate us

Americans are huge fat pigs. We have so much, and we consume so much, and the terrorists are both jealous and disgusted by us. No, this isn't a post about terrorists, or war, or politics. Surprise, surprise .... it's a post about fat doggies!! This is ridiculous:This poor fat dog! I came across this picture because, apparently, there is a cure for fat dogs! No, your giant dog doesn't need something simple like less food and more exercise (I hear that works with humans, actually), but needs ... prescription drugs! Duh, why didn't I think of that? Here I am thinking dogs should just go to the park and run around or something, and eat less (which should be easy as they don't exactly have opposable thumbs and access to the kibble bag). When all along, there was Sentrol just waiting to suppress puppy appetites.

Also, there is apparently a right and wrong kind of exercise for dogs. Running around in a park is unstructured play, and apparently very bad. Doggie treadmills, underwater activities, and begging (core abdominal muscles, people!) are structured and good exercise.

Don't tell me you didn't learn anything new today.