I'm Back, Bitches!

I know, you've missed me terribly in the last two years. I was busy drinking; deal with it. But now I have thoughts to express, and I like some of the people on Facebook too much to just throw my crap on there to bombard people if they haven't chosen to come find me. So anyway, following a short week with minimal work effort, I've found myself seriously drained and in no mood to hit the mean streets of Newport. Post-holiday weeks really are the worst! Hence, Tosh.0 in bed with some wine and a cuddly cat. That came out way more pathetic than it was intended.

Life update: I stopped watching The Hills, moved to Costa Mesa, drank beers with one of the dudes from The League, started twittering (tweeting?), and was told by my doctor that I should wear heels less and responsible loafers with arch support more. Also, I decided to check out Big Brother and officially gave up on The Real World. I think this all means that I'm growing up. And if growing up involves taking large amounts of cash to Las Vegas, I'm totally on board.

Drinking and driving

I should probably start off by saying that I'm against it. Ever see that billboard on the way back from Palm Springs that says, "tipsy driving is the same as drunk driving"? I even kind of agree with it! But, of course, we've all had that experience where we clearly shouldn't have driven home but did it anyway, only to wake up the next morning with no idea how you got home or where your car is. Of course, it's safely tucked away in your garage/carport/parking spot, and you feel like you might have magical powers and that you are that one person who is invincible and just should be driving at all times. Just me? Ok. For every one of those, there's the morning where you realize that your car has a dent it that it definitely didn't have when you left your house the day before, or maybe you blow out your two tires when you hit a median on the way home. Still just me? I could keep going like this Daniel Tosh style until there is just one person in the room still laughing, but I won't. Because I have a point. Two, actually. First, this ad (clearly paid for by some alcohol type company and I think is about opposing ignition interlocks [which obviously are a grand idea]) spells Lindsay Lohan's name wrong. Look closely. That's just fucking stupid, as you know this thing isn't cheap (full page ad in USA Today). Second, why are they encouraging drunk driving? Even friendly happy hour ads shouldn't encourage it - they should team up with cab companies! I'm so disturbed...

Miller Lite: Better than 72 virgins

Not that I think I'll be getting into heaven (which generally doesn't concern me as I don't think many of my friends would be there either and I bet the parties are cooler in hell), but I think/hope it might be like this:

Dumpster diving

"Your good friend has just taken a piece of cake out of the garbage and eaten it. You will probably need this information when you check me into the Betty Crocker Clinic." - Miranda

Those of you who have know me since I first got myspace should know that a) whenever I take a SATC quiz, I'm Miranda and b) this quote was on my page for a while. I was reminded of this particular episode when I found this gem on Jezebel today. And I had the unfortunate reminder that I've tossed food away, only to later change my mind. And by change my mind, I mean stand over the trash can wondering if my tasty treat had touched anything that I should be worried about and whether there was anything in the house that would satisfy whatever weird craving I was having that was making me stare wistfully into my trash, or near it (sometimes if I can't decide if I'm done with something I place it near the trash). Usually, I'll decide that I can't throw away perfectly good food - after all, there are starving children in Africa/India/China/the south. Luckily, this is something I haven't done in a while (mainly because I stopped throwing food away, not because I let it stay in the garbage).

After this piece I started linking around to other, related, Jezebel posts. First, we discuss dumb things that people do to lose weight. This all came about from a Glamour article on "scary celeb diet secrets" where my personal favorite was "stay locked in the gym....and then LIE about it." Perhaps I just don't identify with this one. If I'm going to the gym, I'm bragging about it, not hiding it. But then again, I'm not a celeb with 24 hours in the day to do nothing but workout, Biggest Loser style. Having just watched my roommate go through the Master Cleanse (or part of it, anyway), I can join the Jezebel writers in mocking all of these silly weight loss methods (I hear eating less and exercising work wonders!). Oh, and the "not eating" option cracks me up because I have no clue how people do that. I love food. A lot. Plus, I have no willpower and I have issues with self-indulgence.

Moving on to Alli, the new weight loss pill that is supposed to work wonders. Having done my due diligence here, I found the side effects of this miracle drug:
"Treatment effects are bowel changes that are most commonly caused by eating meals with too much fat while using alli capsules. Such effects may include oily spotting, loose stools, and more frequent stools that may be hard to control.

alli works by blocking the absorption of a quarter of the fat in the foods you eat. This undigested fat passes through the body naturally, and it is not harmful. In fact, you may recognize it in the toilet as something that looks like the oil on top of a pizza."

Sorry about that; hope you didn't just eat. But wait, I researched more! Or rather, I let Jezebel do the researching for me. Basically, my theory that this pill is basically an oral enema was confirmed, and I was thoroughly disgusted. I'm a busy girl, and don't have hours to be hanging out in the bathroom. Especially at work, where I have co-workers. Lots of them. Also, my theory that with nothing in your system, you'll be constantly hungry. And as Jezebel says, "And if you could temper your cravings for food, would you be abusing laxatives in the first place?" Good point.

Also, what if you have no control over how your body decides to, uh, expel your waste? EW. Apparently, Tyra Banks may or may not have some type of laxative addiction. If you're carrying out spare clothes just in case you have an "accident" at fashion week, you might be taking too many laxatives. It's like the opposite of Elvis' problem where all of his pills (amphetamines and barbiturates if memory serves) caused him to literally be full of shit. Two hospitalized colon blockages in 1975? Gross.

Moral of the story: eat normal food, leave stuff you've already tossed in your garbage can, and get some exercise. Also, avoid laxatives unless you have a private bathroom.

Wedding Madness, part one

This weekend I traveled up to Bakersfield for a wedding (clearly the bride and groom did not agree with my suggestion that Bakersfield was a poor locale, and had it there anyway). So we all make it into town on Friday night, and after copious drinking in our hotel rooms, we meandered down to Club Odyssey. We picked this place because all the great reviews it got - "greatest hotspot in Bakersfield" type reviews. Oh, I forgot to mention that this place was also handily located in the Doubletree Hotel, where we were staying. Needless to say, this place was sad. Giant tv screen playing CMT constantly (which was obviously a highlight), tiny bar, weird seating area, dance floor, pool tables, oh, and a dance cage. Plus, on Friday at 11:00 p.m. there were maybe 10 people there.

Saturday, we decided to go get manicures and pedicures so we could look our best for the wedding. We had an experience so horrible and time consuming that we ended up fighting with the manicurists, only getting one service each, and tipping less than 10%. But, there were highlights. There was a woman getting a spa pedicure who brought her two children. One was an obnoxious 4 year old running around the salon, and the other was a baby, maybe weeks old. It was said that this child was a fetus. Either way, it was creepy and kind of gross. There's fumes in these places! And, she could have dropped that miniature thing in the pedicure water, and that would have been bad. Second highlight: there were two elderly Asian people in the salon, basically observing what was going on. The woman hovered over my pedicurist, and the male hovered over R's manicurist, in a creepy way. Finally, an older and very chatty customer asked who they were and was told they were her manicurist's aunt and uncle, and had only recently landing in the US. The woman then said, in a slow and loud voice, "Welcome to America" with a nice shoulder pat. I guess you had to be there.

At this point we hit up a Subway and confirm that every person in Bakersfield is ugly and obese.

We return to our room, only to realize that it was 90 degrees, and that not only was our air conditioner broken, our television was broken. It was actually cooler on our mini patio than in our room, and the whining ensued. Also, when I checked in, I discovered that they had give us a room with one king size bed rather than 2 doubles. When I called, they said we had only "expressed a preference" for doubles, and that they were out. Luckily, we got a FREE roll away cot! Thank you, Doubletree.

The ceremony was lovely, and we proceeded to the Stockdale Country Club for the reception. Country Clubs are always a great wedding choice, and this place was pretty fabulous, as reception locales go. There was a movie theme, and we sat at the When Harry Met Sally table, and our gift was flavored popcorn, which was tasty. Best part: we were served filet minion with a mushroom demi glace, roasted asparagus and garlic red mashed potatoes. It was by FAR the best wedding food I've ever had, and I was basically ill from eating so damn much of it. Also, the slide show was really cute, and I was in it. Thus, I was pleased.

After the reception we re-congregated at Club Odyssey (according to the radio, famous people perform there), laughed at possible prostitutes and this girl from South Carolina in a glittery gold dress very suitable for Las Vegas. We then barely slept through another sweat-soaked night in our non-air conditioned hotel, and proceeded back to our towns not surrounded by cows. We didn't even get our promised free breakfast (for the broken a/c) because we weren't able to get up in time. Oops.

Cleavage kissing

So we've all seen these great promotional pictures for Gossip Girl, and maybe thought they were a little risque for a teen show (well, not me, but it went around the net a bit). Apparently, some parents out there are upset about the picture because it uses "cleavage kissing ... to hype [a] kids' show." I bet these are the same parents that think abstinence only sex ed is the way to go. I've heard such good things about that, so I'm sure they're onto something.

My favorite thing about this is that the detractors of the advertising keep insisting that Gossip Girl is a kids' show. Yes, it's on at 8:00 p.m. (poor choice, CW), but it is clearly not for kids. Any decent parent would know that - sex, drugs, lying, and thieving are not exactly Sponge Bob Square Pants themes. Kids should be watching Disney and Nickelodeon, and looking up to Miley Cyrus as a role model (ummmm nevermind on that one). But seriously, parents knew that Beverly Hills, 90210 had adult themes. Yes, at 12 I was allowed to watch it (because my dad had no clue about what I watched, aside from assuming it was trash), but I knew enough to know the themes were adult. I knew the show wasn't really directed at me.

And not to sound like the lamest person, but One Tree Hill has sex, drugs, teen marriage, teen pregnancy, fratricide, gambling addiction, school shootings and more and no one calls that out for being too adult for it's "kid" audience. Again - parents should be exerting a little more control over the remote. I hear they have programs to block channels - imagine! [stepping off of soapbox now]

Justin Bobby's prodigal return

Ready for my take on this week's installment of the Hills? Here we go!

• Lo's hair looks fabulous! I love the purty curls. She usually does nothing with it, so I give the change two huge thumbs up.
• I love the way Lo says words: cotton with the "t"s majorly emphasized. It's adorable.
• Heidi wants to have a Girls' Night. Wasn't that last week? "Old water under the bridge?" Clever, Heidi.
• Oh no! They've spotted each other! And there's a Justin Bobby sighting! Where to focus attention?!?
• What is up with She-Spencer's hair? Mine looks better than that at 5 am in Vegas, and I'm not trying to make it look fabulous for tv. Poor girl.
• And...Justin Bobby crashes the table. I wonder if he showered...
• This reminds me of tonight's How I Met Your Mother when Robin ran into Dawson and was blind to his douchebaggery (double credit to Julie and RJ). Justin Bobby's so skeevy! And she's still staring at him all googly-eyed. I just don't get it at all. I wonder if he has a job...
  
• Lauren is not pleased that Audrina and Justin Bobby are hanging out again. Or that Audrina and Heidi are hanging out again. Poor Lauren.
  
• 
• Favorite line of the night, as said by Spencer Pratt (while Heidi whines about Lauren being cold to her): "I can't believe you would go to a club where she was even there"
• Dumbass Spencer. He's rude to Heidi, refuses to listen (although yes, her stories are gay), then follows up with: "You look great!"
• Clearly Lo and Lauren do not want Audrina in their new house. Those sideways glances are a classy move (and one I've been known to do as well). Looks like we have a good set up for the next season! p.s. Lauren: that knit hat is disgusting. I never want to see it again.
  
• The end (Verdict: pretty weak episode)
• Wait for it - Stephen's back!! And I was just watching him on OTH, and thinking he should return. Thank you, MTV, for reading my mind.
  

I bought a black apartment

This might be one of my favorite scenes from 30 Rock. While I am never one to drunk dial (I'm being serious people! I really don't), I've seen enough of my friends succumb to the temptation of the phone when combined with an unfortunate amount of alcohol. My only issue is how long it takes Liz Lemon to get through her two bottles of wine. I'd finish those off while composing my thoughts for the first phone call! As a disclaimer, I will say that most of the people I know can't down two bottles of wine by themselves. It either makes me mega cool ... or an alcoholic. I'll keep you posted. Besides, am I the only one who has moved on to the new drunk dialing - drunk texting?

Cake Day

A few things about this clip, and the idea of Hillary/Obama/Edwards on Stephen Colbert on Thursday night (yes, I know I'm a few days late - I've been busy drinking!).

• Hillary needs to stop trying to be personable and funny. She's not, and that's fine because she comes with Bill, who clearly is. I hear he never forgets a name. Like, 10 years later. Amazing.
• Obama's funny. And, yes, manufactured political distractions SHOULD be placed on notice.
• Why is Edwards out of the race? I keep forgetting because I love him so much! He's very smart, pretty cute (if you ignore the almost-Donald-Trump hair), smiles with his eyes, he's a lawyer (yea us!!), he's got an accent, and a pretty great sense of humor. It's about time we had a president that I could laugh with, and not at. Right?
  
• Why did I stop tivoing the Colbert Report? Time to throw it back in the rotation, especially now that it's election season. How am I going to form my political opinions if Colbert (oh, and Jon Stewart) don't tell me what to think?
• Word of the day: truthiness.
  

Drinks with the president?

I'm not about to start espousing my political views on this site (well, not yet, anyway) but I was doing some online reading about tonight's debate. Well, I think it was tonight's debate; I didn't watch it because America's Next Top Model was on. Anyway, apparently this weekend Hillary had a shot of whiskey in some midwest farm town "bar." This prompted a college student at the debate to ask McCain:

"I was wondering if you think that she's finally resorted to hitting the sauce just because of some unfavorable polling. And I was also wondering if you would care to join me for a shot after this?"

A couple things to mention:

• Who says, "hitting the sauce"? The kind of college student that would attend a debate? I don't know, I didn't realize my dad was writing questions.
• Maybe it's the same person who thinks that drinking with McCain would be fun. Does he look like a fun guy to party with? Um, no. He's old. Old people are not fun (and to quote myself from work today, they can't type or use computers either).
• I'd ask Hillary to drink because I'd hope she'd bring Bill with her. And you know that he'd be a good time in a bar.
• Now I want a drink. Sigh.