Ramblings of a jaded misanthrope (not really, I've just always wanted to say that)
Monday, June 16, 2008
I'm in love...
Dangers of one night stands
Some crazy bitch in New York enlisted the help of her now-boyfriend to lure some poor one night stand from years earlier to a hotel room, then proceeded to brand the guy with a 24 inch high "R" (no one knows what the "R" stands for - it's not obvious like the "A" in Scarlet Letter). She was just sentenced to five years, as was the now boyfriend.
NYC Woman Gets 5 Years for Branding Ex-Lover
Dude Doesn't Call Woman Back, Woman Decides to Brand Him
Vintage Livi's
Friday, June 13, 2008
Role model of the day: Lisa Simpson
Also, the Daria video they link to at the bottom of the post is fucking hilarious. Watch and reminisce.
Saturday, May 17, 2008
Maybe it's the cheese
Catering jihad
Also, it turns out Dave Grohl is very particular about plastic cups. If he is this passionate on the issue, I wouldn't cross him. If we've learned anything from 9/11, it's that jihads are bad. Very very bad.
It's about damn time!
I'm still hoping for a Shannen Doherty return.
To jump or not to jump
Anyway, to keep its citizenry on the platforms and away from the arriving trains, DC signs have games that you can play to keep you occupied. And by "games" I mean hopscotch and I-Spy. The very same games you enjoyed as a small child when your days were filled with happiness and wonder! Don't forget the logo: "Life is fun. Keep on living. Use caution around the tracks." Uh huh.
Wednesday, May 14, 2008
Pleasantville
I've lived on and off in Irvine since 1995, and the running joke is that it's a "bubble" where everything looks the same, is overplanned, with no nightlife, but lots of police officers and no crime. Also, the homeowner's associations have a very firm grip. As in, my parents get letters if a plant dies in the front yard, they were required to paint the basketball hoop over the garage the same color as the house, and got a call when they only replaced one door knob of the double French doors (the second was on back order).
Knowing all this, I was surprised when my roommate and my sister went for a bikeride and came back to tell me about this crazy house they spotted (in the non-HOA village of Northwood).
It's like a mini castle. And it might be abandoned (black windows, half of which are boarded up), and I guess there was some scary child molester van parked out back. Also, I hear there are torches. Why? Makes no sense. Even three story houses don't makes sense in this neighborhood. And now, from the cul-de-sac behind the house:Finally, the crazy lot of this house:
Point is, Irvine is KNOWN for not allowing this kind of craziness to exist. Clearly I find this interesting, and I'm sure you do not. I will resume normal cheesy blogging shortly.
Monday, May 12, 2008
He may be a douchebag...
Sunday, May 11, 2008
The internetz
that I can organize all the sites I go to, I learned how to make screencaps, and I've heard of Twitter. I was happy with my little situation, when I learned that apparently we are now using a version of the web called 2.0, and version 3.0 is in the works. What the hell does that mean? It can't be like when you get a message asking you to download version 13.4 of AIM and suddenly you have the capability of combining all IM conversations into one window.
"[T]he Web 3.0 browser will act like a personal assistant. As you search the Web, the browser learns what you are interested in. The more you use the Web, the more your browser learns about you and the less specific you'll need to be with your questions. Eventually you might be able to ask your browser open questions like 'where should I go for lunch?' Your browser would consult its records of what you like and dislike, take into account your current location and then suggest a list of restaurants."
"Some Internet experts believe the next generation of the Web — Web 3.0 — will make tasks like your search for movies and food faster and easier. Instead of multiple searches, you might type a complex sentence or two in your Web 3.0 browser, and the Web will do the rest. In our example, you could type "I want to see a funny movie and then eat at a good Mexican restaurant. What are my options?" The Web 3.0 browser will analyze your response, search the Internet for all possible answers, and then organize the results for you."
I can't be the only person freaked out by this. Yes, in theory, it sounds cool and smart. But in reality - it kind of feels like something out of a sci-fi movie. Like, my computer could become smarter than me and try to kill me. I can figure out my own movies and Mexican restaurants (using yahoo and yelp, of course) with my computer only doing some minor assisting. Last time a computer tried to predict my interests, I ended up with my Tivo recording golf tournaments, Baseball Tonight, and some Spanish soap opera (I know like four words of Spanish). Stupid technology.
Drinking and driving
I scream, you scream, we all scream for ice cream
- Wasabi ginger - from Cold Stone. "What am I supposed to mix in, chunks of fish?"
- Fish - "What am I supposed to mix in, wasabi?"
- Black licorice - hey, I can't even drink Jagger. Or eat fennel.
- Wheat - I'll take it in carb form, thanks.
- Pit viper - just, no.
- Raw horseradish - if it's not on my tri tip or Arby's sandwich, I'm not interested.
- Tomato - I can't even eat tomato soup.
- Charcoal - that's not even a food.
- Viagra - just take it in pill form.
- Salad - ice cream is fattening, stop pretending. "It just makes it the most retarded thing you could ever try and market to fatties."
Feminine Hygeine
Read further at your own risk; this is about to be girly and gross. I found this horrific article the other day, and after being completely repulsed, I had a whole thought process involving tampons. Then tampons versus pads, and why one would choose one over the other. Then the vague fear of toxic shock syndrome, which I still think might be fake. I'd write more on this subject, but I think I would just freak myself out (and my reader) and that's just unnecessary. Read the article, if you aren't squeamish, and then just think about it. Being a girl sucks.
Tuesday, May 6, 2008
Booooooring
This will be short because this episode was such a waste of tv time that I don't even want to recap. It barely even set anything up for the finale! In summary: Audrina is a sad third wheel, Justin Bobby has short hair but still looks like he doesn't shower, Lo and Lauren got a dog, and Audrina is not one of its mommies, Spiedi still vie for camera time, and um ... that's it. Oh yeah, Lo has great facial expressions and is obviously breaking up the Audrina/Lauren duo.
Thursday, May 1, 2008
Miller Lite: Better than 72 virgins
Cat people
FYI - dogs don't want to sit on your laptop. They are fine just being near you, not annoying you. However, dogs also have weird and annoying owners with websites devoted to cute pet pictures of the day. People: start reading blogs instead.
Those crazy Brits
Tuesday, April 29, 2008
Free Cone Day
Where is your loyalty?
- They make entirely too much money - this house is fabulous. I'm sorry, there's a guest house?!? And a sun room? I need to be an MTV reality star.
- Lo's shocked look when Lauren says Stephen is in town - Lo is totally the new Whitney with the expressions.
- Spencer's always at the coffeehouse because he's unemployed. And lame.
- Stephanie called out Spencer on family loyalty! This storyline is getting soooo old. Yes, you all hate each other and wish that nobody you knew would hang out with each other. Get over it already.
- Again, their house is ridonculous!
- Oooooh Audrina's face when Lauren questioned the Justin Bobby invite - classic. Combination embarrassed, mad, unsure, and, well, embarrassed.
- Brody brought a juicer. Intriguing. And his new girlfriend seems like a complete wet blanket (but hot, obviously).
- Stephanie is a liar - there is no way she actually thought that Heidi would be ok with her being at the housewarming party. But Heidi now sounds just like Spencer. It's eerie.
- Stephen made it - and he brought...rice cakes? What the hell is that present?
- I love that they always call Justin Bobby Audrina's ex. They are on more than they are off. And, look, haircut! I guess he needed it to get rid of all vestiges of lice.
- Why is Lauren wearing a ponytail at her party? It's not even a dressy ponytail. Sigh.
- Lauren looks really cute in that dress. The hair I'm a little less sure of. Braids are a tough look to pull off, and generally make me think of 8 year olds at ballet practice. I kind of like it on her, though.
- Clearly they are on the outs with Audrina - not even visiting her in the guest house? Ouch.
- Aw, poor LC - Stephen wants to keep it platonic and just friends. Crushed look on her face? Check. I think they should just have sex already and up the ante. I'm guessing they've barely kissed.
- Lo is wearing a UCLA shirt. Which is only weird because she went to UCSB for a while ... I'd say at least a season (I mean, year). Is she in school now? Does she have a job? Will we ever have these great looming questions answered?
- Here's the great thing about roommates. You get home from a date/non-date, and you get to chat with your roommie about it over ice cream out of the carton. That is precisely why I'm not jumping on the bandwagon to live alone. Eating ice cream out of the carton by yourself just seems a little sadder.
- Next week: A puppy, Audrina wants to move out already, Spencer gets kicked out, and Heidi in Vegas?
Monday, April 28, 2008
Dumpster diving
"Your good friend has just taken a piece of cake out of the garbage and eaten it. You will probably need this information when you check me into the Betty Crocker Clinic." - Miranda
Those of you who have know me since I first got myspace should know that a) whenever I take a SATC quiz, I'm Miranda and b) this quote was on my page for a while. I was reminded of this particular episode when I found this gem on Jezebel today. And I had the unfortunate reminder that I've tossed food away, only to later change my mind. And by change my mind, I mean stand over the trash can wondering if my tasty treat had touched anything that I should be worried about and whether there was anything in the house that would satisfy whatever weird craving I was having that was making me stare wistfully into my trash, or near it (sometimes if I can't decide if I'm done with something I place it near the trash). Usually, I'll decide that I can't throw away perfectly good food - after all, there are starving children in Africa/India/China/the south. Luckily, this is something I haven't done in a while (mainly because I stopped throwing food away, not because I let it stay in the garbage).
After this piece I started linking around to other, related, Jezebel posts. First, we discuss dumb things that people do to lose weight. This all came about from a Glamour article on "scary celeb diet secrets" where my personal favorite was "stay locked in the gym....and then LIE about it." Perhaps I just don't identify with this one. If I'm going to the gym, I'm bragging about it, not hiding it. But then again, I'm not a celeb with 24 hours in the day to do nothing but workout, Biggest Loser style. Having just watched my roommate go through the Master Cleanse (or part of it, anyway), I can join the Jezebel writers in mocking all of these silly weight loss methods (I hear eating less and exercising work wonders!). Oh, and the "not eating" option cracks me up because I have no clue how people do that. I love food. A lot. Plus, I have no willpower and I have issues with self-indulgence.
Moving on to Alli, the new weight loss pill that is supposed to work wonders. Having done my due diligence here, I found the side effects of this miracle drug:
"Treatment effects are bowel changes that are most commonly caused by eating meals with too much fat while using alli capsules. Such effects may include oily spotting, loose stools, and more frequent stools that may be hard to control.
alli works by blocking the absorption of a quarter of the fat in the foods you eat. This undigested fat passes through the body naturally, and it is not harmful. In fact, you may recognize it in the toilet as something that looks like the oil on top of a pizza."
Sorry about that; hope you didn't just eat. But wait, I researched more! Or rather, I let Jezebel do the researching for me. Basically, my theory that this pill is basically an oral enema was confirmed, and I was thoroughly disgusted. I'm a busy girl, and don't have hours to be hanging out in the bathroom. Especially at work, where I have co-workers. Lots of them. Also, my theory that with nothing in your system, you'll be constantly hungry. And as Jezebel says, "And if you could temper your cravings for food, would you be abusing laxatives in the first place?" Good point.Also, what if you have no control over how your body decides to, uh, expel your waste? EW. Apparently, Tyra Banks may or may not have some type of laxative addiction. If you're carrying out spare clothes just in case you have an "accident" at fashion week, you might be taking too many laxatives. It's like the opposite of Elvis' problem where all of his pills (amphetamines and barbiturates if memory serves) caused him to literally be full of shit. Two hospitalized colon blockages in 1975? Gross.
Moral of the story: eat normal food, leave stuff you've already tossed in your garbage can, and get some exercise. Also, avoid laxatives unless you have a private bathroom.
Sunday, April 27, 2008
Girls gone bitchy
I just heard that at a Catholic school in Brisbane, Australia, junior girls started what they call the "21 Club." Apparently you are ranked based on who is skinniest and prettiest, and thus fatties and the fugly are not included. Oh, the ranking is somehow worn on your wrist (bracelet, maybe?). Wasn't high school hard enough without the "hottest" girls essentially telling everyone that they were the hottest? Or, we could move on to my issue with this club: 21 girls! All in agreement, and in the same clique? That definitely doesn't sound like my high school.
I wonder how evil they are, or if they're just skinny and pretty. So many questions for those crazy Australians.
Because going to the doc now is so much fun
Wedding Madness, part one
This weekend I traveled up to Bakersfield for a wedding (clearly the bride and groom did not agree with my suggestion that Bakersfield was a poor locale, and had it there anyway). So we all make it into town on Friday night, and after copious drinking in our hotel rooms, we meandered down to Club Odyssey. We picked this place because all the great reviews it got - "greatest hotspot in Bakersfield" type reviews. Oh, I forgot to mention that this place was also handily located in the Doubletree Hotel, where we were staying. Needless to say, this place was sad. Giant tv screen playing CMT constantly (which was obviously a highlight), tiny bar, weird seating area, dance floor, pool tables, oh, and a dance cage. Plus, on Friday at 11:00 p.m. there were maybe 10 people there.
Saturday, we decided to go get manicures and pedicures so we could look our best for the wedding. We had an experience so horrible and time consuming that we ended up fighting with the manicurists, only getting one service each, and tipping less than 10%. But, there were highlights. There was a woman getting a spa pedicure who brought her two children. One was an obnoxious 4 year old running around the salon, and the other was a baby, maybe weeks old. It was said that this child was a fetus. Either way, it was creepy and kind of gross. There's fumes in these places! And, she could have dropped that miniature thing in the pedicure water, and that would have been bad. Second highlight: there were two elderly Asian people in the salon, basically observing what was going on. The woman hovered over my pedicurist, and the male hovered over R's manicurist, in a creepy way. Finally, an older and very chatty customer asked who they were and was told they were her manicurist's aunt and uncle, and had only recently landing in the US. The woman then said, in a slow and loud voice, "Welcome to America" with a nice shoulder pat. I guess you had to be there.
At this point we hit up a Subway and confirm that every person in Bakersfield is ugly and obese.
We return to our room, only to realize that it was 90 degrees, and that not only was our air conditioner broken, our television was broken. It was actually cooler on our mini patio than in our room, and the whining ensued. Also, when I checked in, I discovered that they had give us a room with one king size bed rather than 2 doubles. When I called, they said we had only "expressed a preference" for doubles, and that they were out. Luckily, we got a FREE roll away cot! Thank you, Doubletree.
The ceremony was lovely, and we proceeded to the Stockdale Country Club for the reception. Country Clubs are always a great wedding choice, and this place was pretty fabulous, as reception locales go. There was a movie theme, and we sat at the When Harry Met Sally table, and our gift was flavored popcorn, which was tasty. Best part: we were served filet minion with a mushroom demi glace, roasted asparagus and garlic red mashed potatoes. It was by FAR the best wedding food I've ever had, and I was basically ill from eating so damn much of it. Also, the slide show was really cute, and I was in it. Thus, I was pleased.
After the reception we re-congregated at Club Odyssey (according to the radio, famous people perform there), laughed at possible prostitutes and this girl from South Carolina in a glittery gold dress very suitable for Las Vegas. We then barely slept through another sweat-soaked night in our non-air conditioned hotel, and proceeded back to our towns not surrounded by cows. We didn't even get our promised free breakfast (for the broken a/c) because we weren't able to get up in time. Oops.
Friday, April 25, 2008
Eating organic
The second reason to love Whole Foods? They love us so much that their checkers don't use cell phones on the job. Whole Foods 1, Safeway 0.
I'm guessing that means they might pay more than minimum wage. I'll have to do some research about that. For now, I think they're also beating out Trader Joe's, if only because they are three times larger. I like options with my organic produce.
Now, instead of only raving about Whole Foods, I'll move on to organic food in general, because I found a funny article. Apparently, white people love eating organic so much that they are starting pricey private schools that feature environmentally friendly products and organic foods. Now, I recycle as much as the next girl (thank you, city of Irvine, for going through my trash for me), but this seems a little bit ridiculous. I think that maybe elementary schools shouldn't have vending machines for soda and Snickers, but I'm sure I wasn't harmed by those funky rectangle pizzas and chicken nuggets. Plus, I wouldn't have gotten through high school without that coffee vending machine in the main building. Some people enjoy processed food!
Verdict: $13,000.00 a year is too much to spend to ensure your kids eat organic daily.
Rice famine?
But, apparently, this is. According to Reuters, Sam's Club is now limiting the sale of Jasmine, Basmati, and long grain white rice. I know that Jasmine and Basmati and fancier (and served at my favorite Indian restaurants - shout out to the Tandoori Oven in Campbell!!!), but long grain white? Is Uncle Ben's long grain white? I mean, those orange bags take up almost an entire aisle at your friendly neighborhood grocery, and are a staple in many cultures' diets.
The big question: how is this tied to rising gas prices? Because I say it has to be.
Also, talking about rice reminds me of other good things:
Thursday, April 24, 2008
What did they do to Tina?
Now I'll comment on the comments. The first and best: "those damn Belenciaga gladiator sandals and more ways to look like you're at Burning Man." Gladiator sandals aren't flattering. On anyone. I had this argument the other day, and I'm pretty sure I won. Get some strappy sandals or heels and be done with it. Save the gladiator sandals for the uglies over at American Gladiator. Next: "quitting = the new black." And I thought we were limited to the color wheel. My bad. And finally: "the [boring] hair issue ... 38 pages of L'Oreal ads. If it weren't just so true, I wouldn't have shot diet pepsi out of my nose laughing so hard.
p.s. Tina needs a new photographer or stylist or retoucher for her next cover shoot. Maybe all three.
Cleavage kissing
My favorite thing about this is that the detractors of the advertising keep insisting that Gossip Girl is a kids' show. Yes, it's on at 8:00 p.m. (poor choice, CW), but it is clearly not for kids. Any decent parent would know that - sex, drugs, lying, and thieving are not exactly Sponge Bob Square Pants themes. Kids should be watching Disney and Nickelodeon, and looking up to Miley Cyrus as a role model (ummmm nevermind on that one). But seriously, parents knew that Beverly Hills, 90210 had adult themes. Yes, at 12 I was allowed to watch it (because my dad had no clue about what I watched, aside from assuming it was trash), but I knew enough to know the themes were adult. I knew the show wasn't really directed at me.
And not to sound like the lamest person, but One Tree Hill has sex, drugs, teen marriage, teen pregnancy, fratricide, gambling addiction, school shootings and more and no one calls that out for being too adult for it's "kid" audience. Again - parents should be exerting a little more control over the remote. I hear they have programs to block channels - imagine! [stepping off of soapbox now]
Wednesday, April 23, 2008
Why the terrorists hate us
Also, there is apparently a right and wrong kind of exercise for dogs. Running around in a park is unstructured play, and apparently very bad. Doggie treadmills, underwater activities, and begging (core abdominal muscles, people!) are structured and good exercise.
Don't tell me you didn't learn anything new today.
Tuesday, April 22, 2008
Earth Day
You're welcome.
(and by tagging this post as a celebrity crush, I'm more referencing Paul Rudd and Alicia Silverstone than the early '90s Marky Mark. Although Mark Wahlberg is definitely bangable)
Justin Bobby's prodigal return
- Lo's hair looks fabulous! I love the purty curls. She usually does nothing with it, so I give the change two huge thumbs up.
- I love the way Lo says words: cotton with the "t"s majorly emphasized. It's adorable.
- Heidi wants to have a Girls' Night. Wasn't that last week? "Old water under the bridge?" Clever, Heidi.
- Oh no! They've spotted each other! And there's a Justin Bobby sighting! Where to focus attention?!?
- What is up with She-Spencer's hair? Mine looks better than that at 5 am in Vegas, and I'm not trying to make it look fabulous for tv. Poor girl.
- And...Justin Bobby crashes the table. I wonder if he showered...
- This reminds me of tonight's How I Met Your Mother when Robin ran into Dawson and was blind to his douchebaggery (double credit to Julie and RJ). Justin Bobby's so skeevy! And she's still staring at him all googly-eyed. I just don't get it at all. I wonder if he has a job...
- Lauren is not pleased that Audrina and Justin Bobby are hanging out again. Or that Audrina and Heidi are hanging out again. Poor Lauren.
- Favorite line of the night, as said by Spencer Pratt (while Heidi whines about Lauren being cold to her): "I can't believe you would go to a club where she was even there"
- Dumbass Spencer. He's rude to Heidi, refuses to listen (although yes, her stories are gay), then follows up with: "You look great!"
- Clearly Lo and Lauren do not want Audrina in their new house. Those sideways glances are a classy move (and one I've been known to do as well). Looks like we have a good set up for the next season! p.s. Lauren: that knit hat is disgusting. I never want to see it again.
- The end (Verdict: pretty weak episode)
- Wait for it - Stephen's back!! And I was just watching him on OTH, and thinking he should return. Thank you, MTV, for reading my mind.